21 Mar 2010

Grandparents Part II

Yesterday was another day of old people. A day of old people making me laugh hysterically inside and going "note to self: blog that." Yes we went to my Nan and Grandad's. You saw a snippet of la vie de mes grandparents last month, but you haven't heard anything yet.

This time my Nan's sister and her husband (my great aunt and uncle) were also there to contribute some quips and not-meant-to-be-but-ended-up-bloody-hilarious remarks.
As soon as we arrived, they all pounced (shuffled over) to ask the normal numerous amount of questions. For example. How's school? How are your friends? Do you have a boyfriend yet? You get the gist. I swerved said questions with "Hahahaha...err...NAN YOU WERE IN HEAT MAGAZINE!" It's true. She was.

I then was forced to show them all my prom dress. So I did. And they all loved it. And I got touched up by them all feeling my whole body. Interesting.
"Oh it's just like that prom scene in Grease isn't it Rene."
"...I've never seen Grease..."
She is 77. And she's never seen Grease. I may disown her as my great-auntie.
The conversation then turned to the accessories I was going to wear including my Swarovski prized possession necklace.
"I told you about that Swarovski shop they've just opened in Romford didn't I? Bit bloody posh for Romford init." I love having a Nan from London. She's like the Catherine Tate Nan.
"The dress colour is like that suit I wore after your wedding init Rene. Do you remember it?"
"Course I bloody remember it, you gave it to me after cos you got bored of it."
"...Oh yeah that's right."
I got changed PDQ and returned to the kitchen to find my Nan bashing the bottom of some talc trying to get it out. Rene helping. I had to step in for their own safety. "You haven't taken the cover off Nan you doughnut."

It was then roast time. Although at my Nan's it should be called shove-as-much-food-in-your-belly-then-i'll-give-you-more time. I didn't eat the night before to suffice this.
"Cor it's hot in here I'm gonna need to take my cardigan off." exclaimed my Uncle, to which Rene proceeded to try and hum that sexy stripping music, but ended up humming the American national anthem. I'm sure my Uncle is a credit to all Americans. *shrugs*

"RIGHT who wants plum cumble?" Yes, she said CUMble. That did it for me. I had to run and hide in the toilet to laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

Conversation turned to Asda. "The last time we went there was to buy the monkeys. *toddles off mumbling to self*" We left it at that.

Later that night we were talking about washing machines when my Nan came out with "I want just one knob, not 6, just one I can twist and make it work." Jesus Christ I love her.

And then my Nan did something that should never happen. She had information on a new Stephanie Meyer book that I knew nothing about. How the eff did that happen? She knew something I didn't know.

My Grandparents continue to astound me. As you were. X

13 Mar 2010


Our usually quiet road has suddenly been turned into a turmoil of trouble. It's dramadrama all the way. For me, gossip. 'Ere come closer *beckons* I'll tell you...

"Mum, Ben's mum's at the door, she wants to talk to about stunthrwin or something." As mum went to the door, I could almost here my dad's eyes bore into Matt, and my brother's mind having a total break down.

After 10 minutes my mum's still out there.

"So Matt why's Ben's mum here?" My dad enquires,
"Oh I er dunno something about stunthrwin" Matt mumbles in return while shovelling spaghetti into his face twice the normal rate.
"STONE THROWING was that Matt?"

At this point I ran into the kitchen to grab some chocolate ice cream and get out of the firing rage.

Aaaaand breathe.
As dad interrogated Matt (imagine a box room, two chairs and a dangling single bulb dim light) Mum came back in...

"Number 14's car window's smashed." DUNDUNDUUUUUUUUUUN. *dramatic gasp*

Now there were three chairs in the box room as my mum joined the interrogation, added with a small gap of light in the door where my head was popped round. (This is all metaphorical of course, it was just in the living room.)

Matt seemed to have his side of the story straight. He didn't see anything, he didn't throw any stones, but apparently it was Luke*. Innocent lying child.

Now I had popcorn and my head was flicking between people like a tennis match.

A few hundred questions, accusations and possibilities later and my mum goes to phone Luke's* mum. After my dad and her acting out the phone call first to cover all possibilities. *eyes roll*

I don't know what's happened now. However I'm expecting there to be a full on court case in the middle of the street, my dad being judge and rest of us being the jury. OOOH I LOVE IT. X

*name's changed.

7 Mar 2010


I went to Lakeside avec my mum today. For those who don't know, Lakeside is a fat shopping centre in Thurrock, next to the Dartford Tunnel/Bridge if you wanna get all specific. I thought we went just for a general shop because we haven't been shopping in ages, but apparently we were going to try on prom dresses. Normally one would get all excited about this, trying on tons of glam dresses in all shapes and colours, but not me. I haven't been excited about prom in the slightest. Why? Adding hassle of organising prom to already stressful enough cases of coursework and home life isn't a good thought, and I'm SO picky with outfits so I knew it would be a disaster.

Nonetheless mother dearest dragged me into Debenhams, flung dresses in my direction and shoved me in a changing room. They all looked awful. "Nooo course they don't! It's just that you're not used to them that's all." No really, I stuck out in all the wrong places and looked fat in places I never thought I could look fat. I've always been adamant that I would get a long prom dress, but these first ones I tried on didn't look good on me, and the short one did, oh decisions were changing already, not good! I didn't even know what colour I wanted or the style, this was gonna be a longgggg day...

After three more shops and about 500 dresses later I was in a strop, and my strop had put mum in a strop. I hated all the dresses I tried on, no matter how good they looked on the size 6 (might be why) models and had convinced myself that no dresses were gonna look good on me. "Oh so we might as well go home then if you're gonna have a face like that?" Well no mum I want to go and find @EmmaK67's The Tent, The Bucket, and Me first, that's the reason I came here, but then yes we can go home. I was walking 5 paces ahead of mum at this point. "Look there's Jane Norman, let's try this one last shop." Fine. I skulked around the shop, gingerly touching some of the dresses and bypassing most. As I went to leg it out, my mum called me back, "Oh wait look at this one, it's purple." Lovely observation mum, now LET'S GO. "LOUISE! *throws dress on head* Get in that changing room." I pulled the dress over my head, and when it was over my top half, my brain switched from "Fuck prom and everything that's involved with it" to "Jesus Christ get me into that limo PRONTO" I actually gasped as I let the dress drop. I LOVED IT. It fitted my figure nearly perfectly, was a gorgeous colour and the decoration was just right. Naturally I got the 'told you so' look from mum but I didn't care, we bought it there and then for a fifth of the price of my friend's dresses. Bargain!

Now that saga was over, we went to munch in Marks & Spencer's, but wasn't expecting none other than KATIE PRICE to be sitting next to us!!!!! Okay so it wasn't her but Oh em eff gee how much does she want to be her?

Then we went into GAME. Because, er, well, I don't know why, we just did. But I found this. Marvellous.

Our second from last shop was another prom dress shop, just to look. Found two dresses that looked quite nice to went to try them on. "Hallo you alright dahling?!" Oh my god. It was GOK WAN!!!....'s twin. I let the gay Chinese man fondle with my dress when I put it on (I didn't like it) "Ohh you look gorrrrgeouuusssss dahling!" I didn't. So we went to Waterstones where we saw PHIL DANIELS! No really, it WAS Phil Daniels doing a book signing!

I couldn't find my book, which was bad cos I had to go up to a model like man behind the counter and ask him to help me. Shame. As he looked through the shelf it was meant to be on I found it within a minute. Didn't tell him that though, I left him searching...while I watched...

So VOILÀ I have my book, which was totes the best buy of the day. As you were. X

3 Mar 2010


This blog is going to be different. I figured that when you're reading these blogs, you could be imagining me as anything you want and picturing me in a completely different way to how I actually am. So, you know when you read a book and everything is all set in your head, then you go and see the movie and it's totally different to how you imagined and it shatters your view on the said book? Well, this is going to be like that scenario, so if you have a perfect life and person for me already in your lovely brain, then DON'T READ ON, because this blog is going to be all about me. ME ME AND MORE ME.

*Ahem* I'd like to present you the life of Louise Emily Jones... (Yeah that's right, my initials spell LEJ, like LEGEND)

DOB: 9th September 1993

Any interesting facts about your birthday?: Well yes actually there is, what a coincidence of a question. I was born on 09/09/1993 at 8.51am (9minutes to 9am) and my mum was taken into hospital at 9.30pm the previous night. Therefore my 16th birthday was on 09/09/09 at 9minutes to 9am. There were no emergencies.

Lucky number: 9, obviously. (Although 4 as well, see 'Alright GCSE term' blog)

Home: I live in a house with my Mum, Dad and 11 year old brother Matt in Brentwood, Essex. Moved only once when I was 6 months from just round the corner, literally. My Mum's from London and Dad from Birmingham.

Hair colour: Dark brown, was blonde when I was little, then went light brown which I hated so I dyed it.

Eye colour: Blue

Height: 5ft 6" (I think)

School: In year 11 in the home straight for GCSEs *gulp* Going to my school's sixth form next year to do English, Media, Psychology and Philosophy at A level.

Favourite food: Lasagne. Mum's lasagne. I love Italian food, closely followed by Chinese.

Favourite drink: Water. Don't judge me, in all my 16 and a half years of living on this planet I've only ever drunk water...ever.

Favourite book/s: The Twilight series. I'm sorry for being a typical teen girl but I LOVE THEM. I need people to recommend me books to get actually cos I don't have a lot left.

Favourite film: Madagascar. Me and my best friend know every word.

Favourite band/artist: Mika

Favourite comedian: Michael McIntyre. I'm classed as obsessed. Seen him live 4 times and met him twice. Even got the t-shirt. (Plus three autographs, two photos with him, a calendar and a programme) Oh and I've recently obtained a huge love for Eddie Izzard.

Favourite TV show: It differs depending on what's on. I'll watch most reality shows and entertainment shows, and Eastenders occasionally. Oh and those freaky C4 documentaries. My favourite programme of ALL TIME is Doctor Who. #nerrrrrd

Favourite magazine: Heat. Don't even get me started on my desire for it.

Favourite website: Twitter. It's changed my life, no cliché intended.

Favourite TV personality: Davina McCall. I love her a hella lot and am hoping with everything I can possibly cross that I can meet her while doing work experience this summer. *dies at the thought*

Religion: I'm not very religious, I was christened but that's as far as it goes. Although I believe a LOT in fate and karma. If things happen/don't happen then it's meant to be.

Regrets: Quitting dancing after 9 years.

Style: I don't have one. At home I look like a tramp and shove anything on, but when I go out I try and look good and 'stylish'. If there's a trend going that I like then I'll go along with it, but I'm not part of some stupid label. I am not a chav, nor a grunger, nor a geek, nor an emo/goth, nor a totty. I've been labelled recently as a misfit. I can deal with that, it's unique.

Glasses/braces: No glasses although I've always wanted them, I don't know why. Had braces for a year and a half, got them off last October.

Fears: Talking on the phone, wrists, knees and fire. I go dizzy at the sight of wrists, feel ill when someone straightens out their leg and can't take part in bunsen burner related science experiments. Oh and David Bowie, ever since Labyrinth I can't listen or see him, he petrifies me.

Prized possession: My itouch. Anyone damages it, I will cut them *stares*

Favourite animal: Meerkat

TV personalities I hate: JLS, Katherine Jenkins, Harry Hill (only like his show), Michelle Heaton.

Favourite country: Canada, some of my family live there and I LOVE it. Cyprus too, 5 weeks and counting...

When I'm all gwown up: I want to be a journalist/writer. Would love to work for a magazine (HEAT) but would love even more to be a successful author and a freelance journalist so I'm not trapped to one job. I've got work experience with Best and Heat this year, WIN!

Anything else?: I put orange peel up my nose when I was 3 and was rushed to hospital, I nearly died.

That's me. If there's anything else you want to know about me then ask in the comments or tweet me @louisejones_x. Over and out. X