28 Jan 2012

Now don't you worry about tomorrow, let tomorrow come and go

Sitting at my desk in my pyjamas on a Saturday morning, cold because mum insists on my windows being open to air the room, hungry because my weekend eating habits are diabolical, with a blank document open before me is becoming a too common occurrence. The thought of working later stops any motivation for morning productivity and so instead I spend the time wondering why I'm always so ridiculously tired after a 10 hour sleep, and mentally scanning our fridge for salad cream and ham.

Woe me, woe me, I'm earning good money with lovely people at a brilliant place during perfect hours. I have food I like just down the stairs, an open window with a gorgeous view of euphoric birds, and the opportunity to create a good piece of writing on a laptop.

Silly, really.

A friend was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia this week. She doesn't have any of the above now, does she? 

I was thinking earlier about how mental it is that I was once the fastest sperm out of millions. 10 out of 10 for effort there. Then I thought about how Nicole was too, but her body decided to go out of control and obviously didn't take the fastest sperm bit into account.  Think before you act, bodies, for heaven's sake. Not really much of a trophy, is it? 

I saw Nicole last week in my Psychology exam. She was ill, had been for weeks, but sat the exam regardless like the determined girl she is. A bucket next to her desk sat untouched; she was fine. We were all fine until Tuesday's spontaneous assembly in the common room. Actually, we were more than fine because it meant we didn't have to move to form. A* for supplying us with ironic fuel for laziness. God, the change in the room when he told us about Nicole, though, was phenomenal. Not even her best friends knew because she was only diagnosed the night before. You know significance when the big boys who show complete apathy have expressions you never thought possible on their faces. There was a unanimous non-spoken thought in the room at that moment; that it was happening again. Our year lost a friend to this biter just over a year ago and it's fucking come back for more, the twat. It's got some nerve. 

They caught it early though. She's started treatment already and bloody hell the positivity that runs through her, and 'fuck it let's just get on with it' attitude she has is astoundingly admirable. I'm not worried. She'll be fine. I'm just angry. It's not fair. Nicole and I were going to do the same course in Cardiff, and now this fucker stranded her around medical equipment. That girl has so much potential and I cannot wait to see her kick this in the face and tell it to get stuffed, so she can prove that potential. And she will. 

She's more worried about her friends, bless her. Her best friends are taking it hard and though I hate 'real life' people reading this blog, I really hope they're reading this because they need it. They need to know that Nicole needs them to carry on with their lives and be amazing. She's doing just that, but with an added burden  that can be brushed off in time. The more shit and down you feel, the more Loser Lumpy too-Lazy-to-do-something-nice-for-once Leukemia is going to win. There's nothing you can do but be the best friend you already are, because Nicole's in the perfect cancer combusting place with amazing people looking after her. 

Yes, it's absolutely soul-shatteringly shit how life can change in an instant, but who put that label on it? This is happening. It's no one's fault and no one said it's an awful thing. Don't second guess and don't assume. Be there; laugh, make, gossip, eat, watch, talk, listen. Just listen. To everyone. Not just the voice inside your head that has already jumped to conclusions and forced you to be sad. That's not going to help anyone, is it?

So I'm not going to moan about my mediocre unmotivated Saturday mornings, or complain about having too much undisturbed comfortable sleep, because Nicole isn't moaning about her mornings. I'm not going to sigh and shuffle to my till at work later, but smile and converse with my customers to make their day. The happier I am, and the brighter the moment, the better life's going to be for others. Starting with a ham and salad cream sandwich, and fuck you, Leukemia, you don't have a say in it. Fastest sperms ftw.


  1. Such a beautiful piece of writing. I'd like to show my support to Nicole. Girls can do anything, if they put their mind to it. Go on Nicole!

  2. Wow, just read this and what a heart wrenching thought that we moan, while others are fighting.

    Keep going Nicole

  3. WOW im in awe of how you write with perfection. My best friends father just got diagnosed with blood cancer and this made me tear up real bad.