20 Jul 2010

Dreams, stars and lah-di-dahs

Pre-2008 I had a bad case of insomnia almost every night. It was shit and I dreaded going to bed every night cos I knew full well that I'd be lying there for hours and hours before I ended up going to sleep out of exhaustion from crying out of desperation. Night time scared me. Now, I've always looked forward to going to sleep, because it gives me a time to think, to plan, and to make my own perfect dreams and scenarios up which eventually send me to sleep. I've been known for my crazy WTF dreams, I won't go into them as there's a high chance you might end up unfollowing me or running away to a different a country which doesn't have internet access, so just take my word for it.

There is a reason that I can make up these dreams before I actually dream, and it's a reason that's been stuck with me for two years, but because of something on Saturday night, it's all changed and it needs to go before it takes over my life even more than it is now. The urge and desperation I have to explain it all is so great, but I can't take the risk in case the person/people it involves ends up reading this and my life may as well be over. But as I said, something occurred on Saturday night which led me to believe that sooner or later my blissful amazing nights won't be as amazeballs as they usually are. It sent my organs to the floor, and took my mind with it. Felt like the past two years have been a waste and the thought of it being over makes me feel plain, like things have been erased. I went into a silent shutdown, still am. Things won't be the same now. You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?

I woke up in the middle of Saturday night with hiccups. I know right. I got hiccups in my sleep and had to do a headstand on my bed to get rid of them. I have no idea how or why I got them, but I remember the dream I was having and if that's anything to go by I then I was either crying or freaking out. That was interesting.

On Sunday night I had a dream that my mum was dying. It was the worst experience (though not real) of my entire fecking life. Even writing it now my eyes are stinging and throat's closing up just thinking about it. It was a nightmare, not a dream, and I haven't had one for years. There was nothing I could do, I couldn't hug her, couldn't help her, couldn't save her. All I could do was talk to her as she sat there going "But you'll be okay right?" even though I knew she wouldn't. I woke up in a right state and have never leapt out of bed fast enough to run to mum and jump on her. Literally. Jumped on her lap and hugged her. She seemed a big bemused seeing as usually I'll shuffle out of my room without saying good morning, get some breakfast and come back upstairs. She didn't complain though, nor did she ask why which I was glad of as I could not and will not ever say what happened.

So all in all those two nights were pretty shite and I have a feeling they're not going to get better any time soon. The reason it bothers me so much is that I believe (or have an interest in anyway) in all dreams, and horoscopes, and karma, and fate and all that shabang. I've gone on enough about how, yes, amazeballs, my life has been recently and honestly think all of that has something to do with it. All my horoscopes have always ran true to their word and I've abided by what they've said and everything's been dandy. But since Saturday, it's all gone wrong and I've been quietly freaking the fuck out. Nothing's making sense, or applying to me, or happening as it says, which scares me as it shows that I rely on them so much. I rely on my dreams and my stars to tell me what to do and how things are going to happen on a said day, but now things have gone tits up I'm going round like a headless chicken thinking something really bad is going to happen any day now. Everything I believe in is going against me, and I don't feel myself in the absolute slightest. I want McDonalds all the time for a start, and I hate McDonalds.

So yeah, that's what's been happening. Teen love heartbreak, holiday heartbreak, dream heartbreak, and a real fucked up heart to go with it. Fab. X


  1. This seems like a good time to say I love you, Louise.
    I love you, Louise.

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